Friday, May 8

Jokes


We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

The Lotto can change everything...
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“I’d take half and leave you,” she says.
“Great”, he says. “I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!”

The girl in a car accident got a crash course in driving

when the shoe salesman offered me velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?"

I wanted to have dinner at a Native American themed restaurant but i didn't have reservations.

The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

During the first third of life, everyone told you what to do. During the second third of your life, you told everyone else what to do. During the last third of your life, everyone's telling you what to do again. The good thing is you can't hear 'em, so you don't care.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day. It's been 3 months and I have no idea where the hell she is.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

My brother has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn't it?

I've spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer...but no one will do it.

I'd tell you my favorite joke about short people, but it'd probably go over your head.

A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread"

I saw a wino eating grapes. I said, “Dude, you have to wait."

I stayed up all night wondering why the sun rose. And then it dawned on me.

My Aunt always said slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

I lived with a girl for a few weeks. It was nice until she found out I was there.

I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.

I know a midget that is gay. He just came out of the cabinet last week.

I tried to log into my ipad, but it turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don't own an ipad. Also I'm out of bourbon.

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Say what you will about pedophiles but, at least they don't speed through school zones.

Mirror inspector is a job I could really see my self doing.

If you shoot a mime do you need a silencer?

The other day I gave a homeless man a dollar. Then, I saw a homeless woman, and I gave her 78 cents.

Do homeless people understand Knock-Knock Jokes?

I went to the Chicago library, and I wanted a library card. They said I had to prove I was a citizen of Chicago. So I shot them.

My girlfriend asked me to get her something expensive that she doesn't really need. So I signed her up for chemotherapy

I used to be addicted to looking in my rear view mirror. I gave it up now, and I haven’t looked back since.

My dad said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger until the stroke.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day. It's been 3 months and I have no idea where the hell she is.

I was walking past a construction site the other day and some guy called me a paranoid freak, in Morse code, using a hammer.

Everyone loves cats, even the pope... Yeah, he's a cat-o-holic.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” –

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

President Obama has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine which is probably why several of us died from tuburculosis."

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there… T_IF

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich.

My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display.

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Love your enemies...just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits

the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

The new childcare-screening legislation sends a powerful message to Americans: If you want to harass children, get your own, as no parent-screening legislation will be in the works anytime soon.

The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field. There is progress.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

When someone is so STUPID...Just tell them they didn't fall out of the Stupid Tree..They were dragged through the whole Dumbass forest!

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

When did it change from " Of The People, By The People " to " Screw The People "?

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking! Scared the crap out of me. So that's it! After today, NO MORE READING!

Grow your own dope...Plant A Politician!

Lead me not into temptation...Oh hell. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

....If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If a girl falls down a well, why can't her brother help her out? - Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

....What happened to the man caught hanging around a circus? - He was arrested for loitering within tent.

While a little boy was away at school his cat died. Worried about how he would take the news when he got home, his mother consoled him and said, “Don't worry, darling. Tiger is in heaven with God now.“ The boy said, “What's God gonna do with a dead cat?”

A van load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area looking for clues.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the bible?- When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.

Many girls are attracted to the simpler things in life.....men.

After a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager warned that further steps would be taken.

At a job interview, the employer was weighing up the applicant's potential. 'You see,' said the employer, ' in this job we need someone who is responsible.' 'Then I'm you man,' replied the applicant eagerly. 'At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.'

If a spider is in the corn field, is he going to make cob webs?

My wife says I never listen to her. At least that's what I think she said.

During the first third of life, everyone told you what to do. During the second third of your life, you told everyone else what to do. During the last third of your life, everyone's telling you what to do again.

The good thing is you can't hear 'em, so you don't care.

I don't eat snails, I prefer fast food.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I THINK its not illegal yet

Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

so i ran into my ex the other day…
then i put it in reverse and hit him again

When nothing goes right, Go left.

Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive.

Adults are just kids with money

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.

I did not slap you, I simply high fived your face!!!

I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!

When life gives you lemons accept it because you might be having Vitamin C deficiency

Sunday, April 19

5 Things Christianity Can Learn

Learning from Buddhism

Hinduism

Hinduism

Neoconservatives


- True neoconservatives: Someone who believes in a large, powerful, central government, especially when related to foreign policy. They will not really care about size and scope of government, taxes or spending. They probably (albeit sometimes secretly) support Common Core (Federal eduction control), Obamacare and Amnesty. They probably don't really care about the Second Amendment or the rest of the Bill of Rights. They may go with international standards rather than US Constitutional standards. If old enough, they very well may have been a former leftist-communist. Their foreign policy will be very aggressive in most situations. They will believe in nation-building, nation changing and global manipulation. They will be particularly obsessed with anything related to Israel, Iran or Russia. Some of that obsession with Russia may stem from old communist ties and Stalin's betrayal of the international communist movement. The importance of spending for military contractors far outweighs any concerns about fiscal conservatism or spending.

- Neoconservative on foreign policy: Fellow travelers with neoconservatives on some issues related to foreign policy. They may not align with neoconservatives on any other issues at all. Many average people in this category are unaware of the neoconservative agenda, but have been led into this position over the years.

True neoconservatives:

- Elliot Abrahms (Rubio, Cruz adviser)
- Sheldon Adelson (Billionaire donor)
- Sen. Kelly Ayotte
- Gary Bauer
- Cofer Black (Romney adviser)
- Brad Blakeman
- John Bolton (Cruz adviser)
- Max Boot (McCain, Romney adviser)
- Peter Brookes
- David Brooks
- Jeb Bush
- Rep. Eric Cantor
- Dick Cheney
- Liz Cheney
- Michael Chertoff (Jeb adviser)
- Eliot Cohen
- Sen. Tom Cotton
- Eric Edelman (Cheney, Romney adviser)
- Douglas Feith (Bush, Perry adviser)
- Jamie Fly (Rubio adviser)
- David Frum
- Brigitte Gabriel
- Newt Gingrich
- Rudy Giuliani
- Michael Goldfarb (McCain, Liz Cheney, Palin adviser)
- Sen. Lindsey Graham
- Stephen Hadley (Jeb adviser)
- Pastor John Hagee
- Sean Hannity
- Jane Harmon
- Michael Hayden (Jeb adviser)
- Stephen Hayes
- Charles Hill (Giuliani adviser)
- John Hinderaker
- James Jeffrey
- Robert Joseph (Romney adviser)
- Robert Kagan (Hillary Clinton, Romney, Rubio adviser)
- Rep. Peter King
- Rep. Adam Kinzinger
- James Kirchick
- Sen. Mark Kirk
- Henry Kissinger (McCain, Christie, Cruz adviser)
- Charles Krauthammer
- Bill Kristol (Ryan, Jindal, Rubio adviser)
- John Lehman (McCain, Romney adviser)
- Yuval Levin (Ryan, Rubio adviser)
- Sen. Joe Lieberman
- William Luti (Perry adviser)
- Sen. John McCain
- Andrew McCarthy (Perry adviser)
- Sen. Robert Menendez
- Joshua Muravchik
- Victoria Nuland (Dick Cheney, Hillary Clinton adviser, spouse of Robert Kagan)
- Rep. Devin Nunes
- Richard Perle
- James Pethokoukis
- Daniel Pipes
- Danielle Pletka
- John Podhoretz
- Norman Podhoretz (Giuliani adviser)
- Noah Pollak
- Rick Reed (Lindsey Graham, McCain operative)
- Condoleezza Rice (Christie, Cruz adviser)
- Mike Rogers
- Steven J. Rosen (Giuliani adviser)
- Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
- Karl Rove
- Jennifer Rubin
- Michael Rubin
- Sen. Marco Rubio
- Donald Rumsfeld
- Haim Saban (Hillary Clinton adviser, Billionaire donor)
- Mark Salter (McCain, Kirkpatrick adviser)
- Sen. Chuck Schumer
- Mel Sembler (Billionaire donor. Bush, Romney adviser)
- Dan Senor (Romney, Ryan adviser)
- Paul Singer (Billionaire donor, Rubio backer)
- Michael Singh
- Randy Scheunemann (McCain, Rumsfeld, Palin adviser)
- Bret Stevens
- Marc Thiessen
- Jesse Watters
- Kenneth Weinstein
- Paul Wolfowitz (Jeb adviser)
- James Woolsey (Cruz adviser)
- David Wurmser
- Stephen Yates
- John Yoo



Neoconservative organizations and media outlets:

- Alliance for a Strong America (Dick and Liz Cheney)
- American Enterprise Institute (AEI) (Advises Rubio)
- Center for American Freedom
- Committee on the Present Danger
- Emergency Committee for Israel
- Foreign Policy Initiative (FPI)
- Foundation for a Secure and Prosperous America
- Foundation for Defense of Democracies
- Hudson Institute (Kenneth Weinstein)
- Keep America Safe
- Project for the New American Century (PNAC)
- Republican Jewish Coalition (funded by Sheldon Adelson)
- Republican Main Street Partnership
- Washington Free Beacon
- Washington Institute for Near East Policy
- Washington Post (Jennifer Rubin, Michael Gerson, Fred Hiatt, Jackson Diehl, Marc Thiessen)
- Weekly Standard


Neoconservative oriented political shows:

- Journal Editorial Report with Paul Gigot (Fox News)
- Meet The Press (NBC)
- Special Report with Bret Baier (Fox News)
- The John Batchelor Show (ABC Radio)

Friday, March 20

Dalai Lama's Routine Day

When asked by people how His Holiness the Dalai Lama sees himself, he replies that he is a simple Buddhist monk.

His Holiness is often out of Dharamsala on travels both within India and abroad. During these travels, His Holiness's daily routine varies depending on his engagement schedule. However, His Holiness is an early riser and tries as far as possible to retire early in the evening.

When His Holiness is at home in Dharamsala, he wakes up at 3 am. After his morning shower, His Holiness begins the day with prayers, meditations and prostrations until 5 am. From 5 am His Holiness takes a short morning walk around the residential premises. If it is raining outside, His Holiness has a treadmill to use for his walk. Breakfast is served at 5.30 am. For breakfast, His Holiness typically has hot porridge, tsampa (barley powder), bread with preserves, and tea. Regularly during breakfast, His Holiness tunes his radio to the BBC World News in English. From 6 am to 9 am His Holiness continues his morning meditation and prayers. From around 9 am he usually spends time studying various Buddhist texts and commentaries written by great Buddhist masters. Lunch is served from 11.30 am. His Holiness's kitchen in Dharamsala is vegetarian. However, during visits outside of Dharamsala, His Holiness is not necessarily vegetarian. Following strict vinaya rules, His Holiness does not have dinner. Should there be a need to discuss some work with his staff or hold some audiences and interviews, His Holiness will visit his office from 12.30 pm until around 3.30 pm. Typically, during an afternoon at the office one interview is scheduled along with several audiences, both Tibetan and non-Tibetan. Upon his return to his residence, His Holiness has his evening tea at around 5 pm. This is followed by his evening prayers and meditation. His Holiness retires in the evening by around 7 pm.

Thursday, March 5

Republicans Who Voted to Fund Obama's Amnesty



1. Benishek
2. Bishop (Mich.)
3. Boehner
4. Bost
5. Brooks (Ind.)
6. Buchanan
7. Calvert
8. Carter (Texas)
9. Coffman
10. Cole
11. Collins (N.Y.)
12. Comstock
13. Costello (Pa.)
14. Curbelo (Fla.)
15. Davis, Rodney
16. Denham
17. Dent
18. Diaz-Balart
19. Dold
20. Ellmers (N.C.)
21. Emmer (Minn.)
22. Fitzpatrick
23. Frelinghuysen
24. Gibson
25. Granger
26. Guinta
27. Hanna
28. Hardy
29. Heck (Nev.)
30. Hurd (Texas)
31. Jolly
32. Katko
33. King (N.Y.)
34. Kinzinger (Ill.)
35. Kline
36. Knight
37. Lance
38. LoBiondo
39. MacArthur
40. McCarthy
41. McCaul
42. McHenry
43. McMorris Rogers
44. McSally
45. Meehan
46. Miller (Mich.)
47. Moolenaar
48. Murphy (Pa.)
49. Noem
50. Nunes
51. Paulsen
52. Pittenger
53. Pitts
54. Poliquin
55. Reichert
56. Rogers (Ky.)
57. Ros-Lehtinen
58. Royce
59. Ryan (Wis.)
60. Scalise
61. Schock
62. Shimkus
63. Simpson
64. Smith (N.J.)
65. Stefanik
66. Stivers
67. Thompson (Pa.)
68. Tiberi
69. Trott
70. Turner
71. Upton
72. Valadao
73. Walden
74. Walters, Mimi
75. Young (Ind.)

Tuesday, February 24

History of Israel

1. Early Times (1000 BCE - 135 CE)

Ca. 1000 (BCE) - The Jewish Kingdoms
King David ruled with Jerusalem as his capital over Judea, the first united kingdom in an area, which roughly corresponds to today's Israel including the West Bank. After the death of David's son, Solomon, in 931 BCE the kingdom was divided into a southern part, Judea, and Israel in the north.

722 (BCE) - The Assyrians
The Assyrians, a powerful people from northern Mesopotamia
(today northern Iraq), invaded the northern Kingdom of Israel and deported the Jews to other parts of the Assyrian Empire. The Kingdom of Israel perished.

586 (BCE) - The Babylonians
After the fall of the Assyrian Empire the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar II, conquered Jerusalem. The most influential Jews of Judea were deported to Babylon (in southern Mesopotamia, today Iraq). The first Jewish temple in Jerusalem was destroyed.

538 (BCE) - The Persians
King Cyrus of Persia (today Iran) conquered the entire Babylonian Empire, allowed the exiled Jews to return from Babylon, and accepted a form of Jewish home rule in Jerusalem. The Jewish temple was rebuilt.

332 (BCE) - The Greeks
The Greek-Macedonian ruler Alexander the Great destroyed the Persian Empire, thereby gaining control over Judea. After the death of Alexander his Hellenistic (Greek) Empire was divided into three parts, and the Jews got squeezed between the competing Greek rulers.

164 (BCE) - The Maccabees
A Jewish tribe, the "Maccabees", revolted against the Hellenistic occupiers, and from 142 BCE and the following 80 years Judea once again was an independent, Jewish state.

63 (BCE) - The Roman Conquest
The Romans invaded Greece and also conquered the Hellenistic Seleucid Empire in the Middle East. Though the Jews were granted some measure of autonomy in Jerusalem, Judea was in reality ruled from Rome.

37 (BCE) - Herod The Great
Following a failed Jewish rebellion, the Romans turned Judea into a regular Roman province, and installed the Jewish King Herod the Great as administrator. After his death in 4 BCE the province was divided between Herod's sons. One of them, Herod Antipas, who is best known for his role in the New Testament, administered Galilee in the north and Perea to the east (the east bank of the Jordan River, today part of the Kingdom of Jordan).

70 - The Destruction of Jerusalem
The Roman Emperor Titus quashed yet another Jewish rebellion. The Jewish temple and the rest of Jerusalem were reduced to rubble. A group of especially persistent Jews sought refuge on the mountain of Masada in the desert near the Dead Sea, but were three years later defeated by the Romans.

135 - Judea Renamed Palestine
During a final Jewish uprising against the Romans (the Bar Kochva Revolt) Jerusalem was once again, for a short, three-year period, under Jewish control. After the Romans' inevitable, crushing victory many hundreds of thousands of Jews were either deported, sold as slaves or killed. The Roman Emperor Hadrian leveled Jerusalem to the ground, and barred Jews from entering the city.

In an attempt at definitively eliminating the Jewish connection to the land, the Romans renamed Judea to "Palaestina", a word believed to be derived from the "Philistines", a people from Crete, which a thousand years earlier roamed the Mediterranean coast of Judea. Jews still lived in the area, though, and less than 100 years later they were once again allowed access to Jerusalem

Thursday, February 19

Why Teens are Impulsive


Why Teens Are Impulsive, Addiction-Prone And Should Protect Their Brains

Predicting the Oscars


Best Picture : Birdman

Best Director : Alejandro Inarritu, Birdman

Best Actor in a Leading Role : Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Best Actress in a Leading Role : Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in a Supporting Role : J. K. Simmons, Whiplash

Best Actress in a Supporting Role : Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Wednesday, January 14