Jokes

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

The Lotto can change everything...
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“I’d take half and leave you,” she says.
“Great”, he says. “I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!”

The girl in a car accident got a crash course in driving

when the shoe salesman offered me velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?"

I wanted to have dinner at a Native American themed restaurant but i didn't have reservations.

The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

During the first third of life, everyone told you what to do. During the second third of your life, you told everyone else what to do. During the last third of your life, everyone's telling you what to do again. The good thing is you can't hear 'em, so you don't care.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day. It's been 3 months and I have no idea where the hell she is.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

My brother has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn't it?

I've spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer...but no one will do it.

I'd tell you my favorite joke about short people, but it'd probably go over your head.

A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread"

I saw a wino eating grapes. I said, “Dude, you have to wait."

I stayed up all night wondering why the sun rose. And then it dawned on me.

My Aunt always said slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

I lived with a girl for a few weeks. It was nice until she found out I was there.

I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.

I know a midget that is gay. He just came out of the cabinet last week.

I tried to log into my ipad, but it turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don't own an ipad. Also I'm out of bourbon.

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Say what you will about pedophiles but, at least they don't speed through school zones.

Mirror inspector is a job I could really see my self doing.

If you shoot a mime do you need a silencer?

The other day I gave a homeless man a dollar. Then, I saw a homeless woman, and I gave her 78 cents.

Do homeless people understand Knock-Knock Jokes?

I went to the Chicago library, and I wanted a library card. They said I had to prove I was a citizen of Chicago. So I shot them.

My girlfriend asked me to get her something expensive that she doesn't really need. So I signed her up for chemotherapy

I used to be addicted to looking in my rear view mirror. I gave it up now, and I haven’t looked back since.

My dad said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger until the stroke.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day. It's been 3 months and I have no idea where the hell she is.

I was walking past a construction site the other day and some guy called me a paranoid freak, in Morse code, using a hammer.

Everyone loves cats, even the pope... Yeah, he's a cat-o-holic.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” –

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

President Obama has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine which is probably why several of us died from tuburculosis."

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there… T_IF

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich.

My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display.

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Love your enemies...just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits

the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

The new childcare-screening legislation sends a powerful message to Americans: If you want to harass children, get your own, as no parent-screening legislation will be in the works anytime soon.

The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field. There is progress.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

When someone is so STUPID...Just tell them they didn't fall out of the Stupid Tree..They were dragged through the whole Dumbass forest!

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

When did it change from " Of The People, By The People " to " Screw The People "?

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking! Scared the crap out of me. So that's it! After today, NO MORE READING!

Grow your own dope...Plant A Politician!

Lead me not into temptation...Oh hell. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

....If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If a girl falls down a well, why can't her brother help her out? - Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

....What happened to the man caught hanging around a circus? - He was arrested for loitering within tent.

While a little boy was away at school his cat died. Worried about how he would take the news when he got home, his mother consoled him and said, “Don't worry, darling. Tiger is in heaven with God now.“ The boy said, “What's God gonna do with a dead cat?”

A van load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area looking for clues.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the bible?- When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.

Many girls are attracted to the simpler things in life.....men.

After a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager warned that further steps would be taken.

At a job interview, the employer was weighing up the applicant's potential. 'You see,' said the employer, ' in this job we need someone who is responsible.' 'Then I'm you man,' replied the applicant eagerly. 'At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.'

If a spider is in the corn field, is he going to make cob webs?

My wife says I never listen to her. At least that's what I think she said.

During the first third of life, everyone told you what to do. During the second third of your life, you told everyone else what to do. During the last third of your life, everyone's telling you what to do again.

The good thing is you can't hear 'em, so you don't care.

I don't eat snails, I prefer fast food.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I THINK its not illegal yet

Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

so i ran into my ex the other day…
then i put it in reverse and hit him again

When nothing goes right, Go left.

Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive.

Adults are just kids with money

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.

I did not slap you, I simply high fived your face!!!

I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!

When life gives you lemons accept it because you might be having Vitamin C deficiency